Life, Love and Severus Snape
by LittleDragon
Summary: Severus Snape decides to visit a psychiatrist and unloads his opinions on everything on the poor man. ONGOING!
1. Of Pet Peeves and Harry Potter

**Note:** Hi, I enjoy this kind of thing. The title sucks but it's getting better. This will be an on-going project, so be on the look-out. And I understand this first installation isn't great, but they get better as we talk about more interesting things. HEY! THERE'S A REFERENCE TO ANOTHER STORY IN HERE! CAN YOU FIND IT? There I'm done with my shameless self-promotion. I love Snape. He's a pet of mine, so I'm not bashing. Thanks.

"My name is Severus Snape. I am a professor at Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry, so I expect to be addressed as such . . . Who am I kidding, anyway? Yeah, I'm Severus Snape. Most people despise me and I don't really blame them, but I'm not here to earn anyone's approval."

"Go on."

"Well, I guess I'll start with pet peeves. I have a lot of them. Harry Potter, for one. See? I'm getting angry just thinking about him. Thinks he's so great. Bugger that! He's about as mediocre as my mum's rice pudding! But seriously, he has this hero's complex and he feels it's his duty to take care of the whole damn school. Hello! We have a headmaster for that!"

"I'd appreciate it if you calmed down just a little bit, Mr. Snape."

"Sorry. He just really gets my goat. I guess part of that comes from the fact that I was never really popular. Maybe some misplaced jealousy. I dunno. Can we move on?"

The older man just nodded and continued to jot things down in this notebook.

"What else do I hate? Cats. I never was a very big fan of cats. They're furry. Come to think of it, I don't really like furry animals at all. Give me a nice reptile and I'll be fine. But the furry ones require too much maintenance.

I also strongly dislike eggs. Can't stand the things. So. . . mushy and . . . eggy. Yuck! And they don't taste remotely like chicken. But that's beside the point. We were talking about pet peeves. Girls who giggle too much annoy me to death. If they'd just shut up they would be cute, but they have to giggle: "Oh look, Jenny! I just got this wicked little miniskirt! I hope James notices me!" "Oh of course James'll notice you dearie, you look absolutely skanky! Totally skankier than that Lilly he's with. I wish I were as skanky as you." Oh, god, I can't stand it. Twitter twitter! That's all they ever do. Someone just needs to give them a good ravishing and be done with it."

"Echm. Well, Severus, I think we have made a very good start here. But, as you can see, the hour you paid for is up. Now if you'll just see Ms. Jenson at the window, she'll schedule your next appointment. I'm interested in seeing you more often. It seems you have a lot to say."

And with that, Severus Snape had taken the first steps into the world of psychology. This will certainly be an adventure into something great. Hopefully.


	2. On Love and Sex

**NOTE:** Well, this is chapter 2. It's about sex and love. If you don't know what sex is yet, cover your eyes, click the back button and it'll all go away.

"I have never really been a big believer in the love thing. Romance hasn't necessarily been a strong spot for me, as you can plainly see.

I mean, honestly, what have I got to give to a woman. The death eater thing? Yeah. I tried that. See, either they're scared silly, or that kind of thing turns them on. I dunno. I was never really into that kind of kinky sex stuff. I can say "sex" right?

Sure, anyone who saw me out on the street probably thinks "Yeah, that guy likes it rough. S&M rough." But no. Not really. What I really enjoy are the quiet moments. Just you and your significant other, snuggling on the porch, watching the sun set. It's like you leave the everyday world for just a little while and you two are the only ones there."

"What kind of woman are you looking for, Severus?"

"Well, I don't know exactly. That's the thing. I guess I'd like her to be good looking. What man doesn't? A nice body, but not too nice. You know, someone who won't look down on me because I'm not as good looking or "cool" as they are. Probably a good listener too. I need someone who'll listen to me. I mean, I have a lot to say--no matter what other people think about me—and given the chance to really talk, I can be very interesting. I'm not sure what else.

Oh yeah, and the sex should be good. I'm not asking for anything spectacular, but at least enough to get me excited about the next time. God, I dated this girl once and she . . . I can't believe I'm telling you this, well she tried. I'll give her that. And when you're younger sex is sex is sex, as long as you're getting some, it'll be ok. But when you're older you start getting kind of picky. Well, god help her, she tried. But she never quite got it right. What do you do in that situation? Hmm?"

The doctor contemplated a moment. "I suppose you would let her down as easily as possible. Or perhaps you could teach her something. You did mention that you taught, correct?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Potions. Not sex-ed. Besides, that's too much work to put into a girl who'll probably leave you in a couple more weeks. So, anyway, I broke it off. Well, that's when I found out that she was psycho. You know, you never really know any of this until you end the relationship. I mean, had someone told me in the beginning that she had abandonment issues I probably would have stayed the heck away."

"Perhaps it was the way you broke it off…?"

"Nah. I think that maybe it's just a woman thing. They're really sensitive. All you have to do is say the littlest thing and they go berserk on you. She tried to hex me. Can you believe it? Of course, she didn't succeed, but all the same it was a scary experience. I think that may have affected my ability to relate to womankind as a whole. Maybe it's a trust issue thing. I don't know. I guess that's what I'm paying you for. Say, do you have a girl?"

"Why, yes. A wife and two children at home."

"Ah, the old ball and chain. They'll never get me. Never. I can't be tied down to one spot for too long. I like to think of myself as a free spirit. Or just too ugly to get a woman to stay with me too long. But I'd like to believe that beauty comes from within."

"We'll discuss your self-esteem issues at a later time. But now would you mind? I have another appointment coming in very shortly. Ms. Jenson will take your money and reschedule you."

"Yeah. She's a nice kid. Do you think she's free this weekend?"


End file.
